Is this normal?

Is this normal to be this terrified, this scared, this anxious and this worried as an adoptive parent?

Not in a day-to-day setting, (though I admit, I have had my moments), but when you see DS1's birth parent at the bus stop of the village in which you live, about 100yds from your house?

Been a while

So, hey, how's it going? How's life?

I'm now a proud mum to a lively nearly 7 and nearly 4 year old now. It's weird looking back on this diary how much has changed and how far we've come.

"How could you love them when they're not yours?

You can't know until you've had your own..."

Luckily this wasn't said anywhere near me, else I'd have ripped them to pieces, but it's this kind of attitude that worries me. Not for my sake - I have no problem taking people apart when they're talking about a subject they know nothing about. But for DS1.

I'm hoping he will pick up determination and fight from us. That he will be able to stand his ground and throw off the sticks and stones that may be thrown at him. DH and I both got bullied as kids, but we fought back, as opposed to not having the strength to, and being a silent target.

I'm not sure I can coherently organise my thoughts on this one well, because so many sentences and feelings come rushing to the forefront that I'm unable to put them in order.

In a way they're right - I have no idea what it's like to have birth children. I didn't get to bond with DS1 in that way. I didn't get to feel him kick, hear his first scream, carry the weight with him around with me as he grew. In that respect I can't talk from a birth parents point of view. Which is what bothers me. That anybody thinks that just because I didn't give birth to my son, that I have any less right in being a parent, or that my bond with him is weaker for it, infuriates me.

I always knew DS1 was out there. I dreamt him before I knew about him, and I knew it was a matter of timing. Part of me wishes that timing hadn't taken so damn long, but you know - your experiences are what shape you as a person, and I know I'm a hell of a lot stronger for it. I also appear to have become a battle-axe* with regards to DS1.

I'm still trying to get information for SS for him, and I'm not about to bloody stop just because I'm getting fobbed off. As many people know, this only makes me more resolute to be that person hammering on your door at 3am because you have royally annoyed me.

None of our family need pity because we're made out of adoption.

The one thing DS1 can say, is that he is loved. He can say he is special because we chose him. Which is true. We chose him, we wanted him more than anything, and he is loved so fiercely..


* Pitbull/ Rottweiler, any other imagery you can come up with probably fits.

Still thinking

Part of me wants to run around telling everyone and getting very excited. The other part of me doesn't want to tell anyone at all. Ever. To be fair, at the moment, there isn't anything to tell anyone. We've expressed an interest, but that's it. We'll find out more on Tuesday and our decision will go from there. There are so very very many unknowns that will come with the file, it's hard to know exactly what we will find.

I can't even begin to think what this means for us, and it might not amount to anything, but it's that sliver of hope, working its way into my heart and I'm trying to be very distant from the possibility at the moment.

Every now and then I catch myself smiling at the possibility.

I keep being told how hard it will be, how exhausting, how depressing, how isolating it will be. That I won't know how terrible it is until I'm in it.

I have hit rock bottom - quite a few times on this journey. I know it will be fraught with sleepless nights and bouts of possible depression and frustration. Sometimes you wonder whether people think you're stupid - after all, this is something we've thought about over and over again.

We know there will be more issues, than with that of a child I was able to give birth to, and that any child will be desperately unhappy with being removed from foster care. We're not stupid. I'm not stupid. Hopefully our child will love us as much as we will love him.

If I don't have a post saying how hard it is, and exhausting and 'nothing prepares you for it', I will be utterly amazed. However, it's a post I have a right to write, as well as happy ones that will no doubt follow.

No-one said being a parent was a piece of cake. No-one's said it would be easy, yet in the same vein, no-one wants it as much as we do. Rough with the smooth, like anyone else.

News

Oh god, what an evening.

Tonight our S.Worker came round and told us our details have been requested for a little boy, 5 months old, in foster care since he was 3days old. We have expressed an interest and more details.

Our hopes are raised. I'm trying to hard to wait until the paperwork is round on Tuesday, to see whether we progress another stage. Apparently the history is grim. Really really grim. I am incredibly apprehensive, and trying not to put all our hopes and dreams on an unknown little boy that needs a forever family. Who knows. Let's hope we're what he needs..

If he is, I am already feeling guilty about taking him away from him foster family, who is really all he's ever known.

I hope this is right for all of us :/