A letter to DS1

It seems strange writing you letters here that you won't read until you're much older or may never read at all.

You're doing well in school - you're still not a huge fan of reading, though it has improved massively - you're fine if it's on a subject you like, and you devour latin names and facts from your Shark Encyclopaedia and book on Egypt. You love your National Geographic Encyclopaedia on animals and you're writing your own book. You attend Story club on a Thursday which you were cross with me for signing you up to. Now you look forward to it every week.

Currently, you're very into Slugterra and Pokemon - everything is scattered over your bedroom and you never know where anything is, but it makes you even happier when you find something! The current craze is Smiggle - colour-changing pencils and smelly pens, along with fluffy books, special pencil cases etc. It's the new craze. You asked for it for Christmas and of course, that's what you got.

Your hair is cut again - long at the front and short at the back. It had been layered and almost down to your shoulders again. You had decided you wanted it different colours in the summer term. We went from streaks of blue, green, white, orange, pink and purple, to having it all blue, to having it all pink. Both of us learnt to ignore the negative comments and stares. Everything was fine until the pink, which wouldn't come out no matter what we tried (bleaching, bleach washes, lemon juice and finally hair stripper), Your school photos shows your long hair as bleached white with a tinge of pink ;)

You're doing well in swimming and are at Stage 3. You don't like the deep end because your feet don't touch the bottom (and no, Daddy's don't either!), but you go and you learn - you're always far more relaxed in the shallow end obviously.

We lost Switch in July, and we both grieved for a very long time. You have been aware of death and lost people you love, but I think when you're young the first pet is always the hardest. You two were inseparable and spent more time together than I can recall. Losing him really hit you. You still can't bring yourself to scatter his ashes, and that's OK, there's plenty of time. you have his picture up next to your bed and sometimes you talk about him, more in questions and thoughts than anything resembling understanding.

You saw Granny and Grandad at Christmas and went to visit Great-Grannie in the hospital after her fall. Daddy and I were so proud of you - you remained composed and always had a smile on your face when she looked over. You were so gentle with her and to watch you with her was beautiful. we have had many talks about death and you know she won't be around for much longer. You were very aware that you might not see her again the last time we visited the hospital. Granny has told me even after you left she still talks about you. She loves you ever so much, and I know seeing you meant a great deal to her. She's now out of Hospital, but I haven't told you because I don't want to get your hopes up. Her prognosis is still the same and she still has heart failure. It would be cruel to raise your hopes when we all know the inevitable isn't so far away.

You have Harper now - you adore her and she adores you. She's a black and tan crossbreed border collie and GSD, and is currently 8months old. You're still not keen to do the looking after but you're 7, so it doesn't surprise me. You are good with training her though, and your face breaks into a smile when she responds to you. You're most happy running up and down Oakwell with her and face-planting mud. You're often muddier than the dog and your laugh when this happens is infectious to all. Maybe we should put you in the boot with her on the way home! ;) We do have problems with your little brother hurting her at times, but you're there in seconds to stop him and always reassure her. She absolutely adores you.

Most evening you stay up with us and you have also started eating with us, depending on what time Dad is home from work. Sometimes you're so overtired that you eat with your brother and go to bed early, sometimes you even accept you're tired. Another milestone gained ;)

You attend Beavers when you can, but this isn't always possible because Dad works in Sheffield and he's not often back in time for me to take you - made harder especially because your brother cannot cope if he's slightly late to bed, and he goes before Beavers starts. I need to find a way to sort this out really.

Your therapy is coming to an end. You love it and it seems to help you. I'm a little nervous as to what will happen when it's finished, because you'll need a break of a few months in between, so I'm told. I don't know how you will react when you lose that bond you've made, but I'm ready to pick up the pieces and hold you tight. You have this, and we have you xxx

Been a while

So, hey, how's it going? How's life?

I'm now a proud mum to a lively nearly 7 and nearly 4 year old now. It's weird looking back on this diary how much has changed and how far we've come.

Explaining goodbye..

Josh is coming around tonight.

You're really excited to see him, and you talk about him a lot. Tonight, Josh has to tell you he's going away to sea. I am nervous about how this will go, and how much you will understand. I think you will take it all in, as normal, and take it away to think about. Only later will the questions come.

Josh is such an integral part of our family that I'm not sure how I'm going to cope without him, let alone how you will. I had so hoped he would be around for introductions of your little brother, and to see you take on the big brother role you are so desperate to fill.

Hopefully Skype, pictures and emails will help fill the gap, and give you some understanding. Hopefully Josh will be back for your & your little brother's birthday. I have got so used to having Josh around that I had forgotten he was ever going to go away. Again, situations make you realise how much you love some people and how important they are to you.

I hope you take this OK, little one..

This week

DS1, you've turned 3 - I can't believe how the time has flown. I also can't believe I'm still not updating this more regularly, but time keeps getting away  from me.

Your birthday was brilliant. You wanted Spiderman everything, and that's what you got! I made you a Spiderman cake, which you loved, and you got many many Hexbugs from your Uncles and Aunties (Uncle Dave,  Uncle Mark & Aunty Shona, and Aunty Helen). You wanted a skateboard from us, and we also got you a bigger scooter (you call it your posh scooter - it's a No Fear orange trick one). Uncle Toby bought you Alex the Aardvark, who you adore, and created a blog for you, which you followed avidly until Alex arrived! Uncle Toby loves you very much :)

Letter to my son

Tonight, our gorgeous boy, was the last time we ever had to take you back to your foster Mum's.

You're teething at the moment and it's painful to watch. I know you're in pain, and all I can do is supply you with cold teethers and teething gel. Your face gets so red and confused, because you can't understand why everything hurts so much. Sometimes you find it easier biting on my fingers, and even though it hurts, I let you, because it gives you relief, which in turn, works for me. Calgel also seems to help.

We bathed you as normal tonight and I rubbed some cream into you, to help you sleep (Johnson's Dream Cream, with Lavender, to relax you). You smiled happily at me and we shared many kisses and smiles. You had your bottle, and you fell asleep, with Daddy almost sleeping to the sound of your breathing.

I hated having to put you into your car seat - you've hated it the last few nights, and have cried. Taking you out the other end feels wrong, as you're sound asleep again at that point. As normal, you awoke with a start to the street lights, and I held you close, inside my coat, to shield you from the cold, rain and light. When we got in, we put you straight to bed and left you.

The drive home was strange. We hated leaving you, as normal, but we smiled as we realised we'll never have to do it again.

Tomorrow, on St David's Day, your Foster Mum brings you round to live with us forever. She said you've been different with her for over a week, and no longer cling to her like you used to - that the Mummy slot has been firmly filled by me, and whereas she likes it, it must be strange for her to experience. She's been doing this for 18yrs+ now, and she's done so very well by you.

You are an absolute joy to behold. You make me smile more than anything or anyone in the world. I worried that because I hadn't given birth to you, I'd not be able to cope with your crying. You find that other people's children annoy you. However, you're not other people's children, you're my son, and your crying just makes me want to wrap you up in rainbows and make everything better for you.

So - for all of us, it's the start of something amazing. We've waited so long for you, we've been through so much to get here, and we were prepared to fight the world for you. We still are. Your Daddy and I love you very much.

You're also eligible to play rugby for Wales! ;)