I'm sure when I write about the boys, people roll their eyes - I get the feeling I'm viewed by some as one of 'those' mums. However, both beautiful boys have both been to hell and back, and as such, they have extra needs. DS2's have always been more apparent than DS1's, but again I realised people thought I was making up the severity of it until my friend V witnessed it (and that as such a relief I can't begin to tell you). So I constantly worry about how people view me and the boys, but don't have the energy to do that anymore.
Anyway - Attachment Disorder. DS1 has severe Attachment Disorder. What does that mean?
What is attachment disorder?
What causes attachment disorder?
- no one responds or offers comfort when the baby cries
- the baby isn't tended to when it's hungry or needs changing
- the baby is abused or mistreated
- the baby is hospitalised or separated from its parents
- the baby is repeatedly moved from one caregiver to another
- the baby receives no attention, so feels alone
- the baby's parent/s are emotionally unavailable due to illness, mental health problems or substance abuse.Attachment disorder symptoms
- cries inconsolably
- doesn't smile
- doesn't reach out to be picked up
- avoids eye contact
- self-comforts by rocking
- doesn't make cooing sounds
- doesn't follow people with his or her eyes
- doesn't notice when they are left alone.Reactive attachment disorder
- an aversion to physical contact
- issues surrounding control
- problems with anger
- difficulty showing affection
- an underdeveloped conscience.
The term attachment disorder can relate to specific disorders of mood or behaviour, and the inability to form social relationships due to a failure to form attachments at a young age. Typically, attachment disorder affects young children, but if left untreated it can apply to school-age children and even adults. At its worst, attachment issues can develop into reactive attachment disorder, a condition that is likely to require professional help.
It is generally believed that attachment disorder and reactive attachment disorder is uncommon. The true number of children affected is unknown however, as many affected families don't seek help.
Attachment issues come about when a child fails to form an attachment to its parent or caregiver in its early years. The reasons behind this vary, but may include the following:
Some circumstances are unavoidable, but as the child is too young to understand what has happened they simply feel alone and as if the world is an unsafe place to be.
If the attachment disorder is left untreated, it can have a negative impact on the child's emotional, social and behavioural development. A child with attachment disorder may therefore be at higher risk for a number of emotional and mental health problems in later life.
Attachment issues fall on a spectrum, from mild problems that can be easily addressed to the more serious condition, known as reactive attachment disorder. This means that symptoms can vary in severity from person to person and may resemble other disorders such as autism or ADHD.
The following list shows examples of attachment disorder symptoms in young children:
- cries inconsolably
- doesn't smile
- doesn't reach out to be picked up
- avoids eye contact
- self-comforts by rocking
- doesn't make cooing sounds
- doesn't follow people with his or her eyes
- doesn't notice when they are left alone.
Diagnosis of attachment disorder will be based on the signs and symptoms that are presented. Your doctor is likely to perform some medical tests to ensure there is no underlying physical cause before referring your child to a mental health professional.
Considered one of the more serious attachment issues, reactive attachment disorder often occurs when a child has been neglected or abused. There are two types of reactive attachment disorder - inhibited and disinhibited.
Children with inhibited symptoms will be extremely withdrawn and emotionally detached. They may push people away, be resistant to any form of comforting and are often hyper-vigilant of their surroundings (although they are unlikely to react to what is going on around them).
Children with disinhibited symptoms on the other hand are likely to seek comfort from anyone, not preferring his or her parents to strangers. They are often extremely dependent and may act younger than they really are.
Signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder are similar to those of other attachment disorders and may include:
- an aversion to physical contact
- issues surrounding control
- problems with anger
- difficulty showing affection
- an underdeveloped conscience.
As an adoptive parent, I guess you're lucky in that you're aware these things may be present, and whereas others may put it down to a stage, you trust your gut instinct and you ask for help. Let me tell you now, to get help is a nightmare. I can't believe how often I have sat at home and cried because I've been brushed off, accused of exaggerating or been told 'but he acts normal so he's fine.
See that's the thing. DS1 especially is a conformist. He will present as normal with others. He will smile and play, because he's learnt to blend in, but that doesn't mean he is OK. If you know him well you can pick up on it - it's a change in the air around him, it's the chewing of his fingers and the DSH aspect that gives him relief. It's the unburdening at home and the uncontrollable sobbing and heartbreak he goes through on a regular basis, because someone has made a throwaway comment that has broken his heart. Most kids throw it off, as you'd expect, but DS1 can't do that, he takes it personally.
We've often heard others say he's 'soft' or hypersensitive'. We smile and grit our teeth and realise there are those you simply can't explain it to, and those that simply don't want to understand. DS1 has no self-esteem, no self-worth, no confidence at all. He is also hypervigilant. Whereas your child will notice if someone walks into a room, DS1 has already been made aware of the approaching footsteps, someone tapping a pencil, the multitude of conversations going on around the room as well as the temperature of the air, the feel of his seat, the pressure in his feet. He is constantly on high alert because he was born with an abnormally high default adrenalin level due to in utero experiences and experiences in foster care. He has already assessed everything that can happen from everyone in the room and those that may be close. In a classroom of 30 children, he has processed every single situation that may or may not happen.
So - a simple explanation:
That's just for one child. 1 child has a potential of 30 interactions, So for a class with 32 children that's at least 1024 possible interactions alone (I think it's more like 992 or something, but you get my meaning), and that's not including the outcomes for any of the stages. This is what he does. Constantly. All the time. It's hardly surprising he's so exhausted.
If you've ever had a night where you can't sleep because your brain is whirring, that's DS1 too. He constantly worries and thinks, and remembers. We used to laugh and call him the Duracell bunny because he never stopped. He gave up morning and afternoon naps at 13months old. Now it all makes sense.
What can this disorder lead to?
Behavioural problems
Children with attachment issues learn from a young age that they cannot trust other people and must rely on themselves. When they grow older this can lead to behavioural problems. For example, in school the child may not trust or respect their teacher, leading to negative behaviour.
Depression
Having a sense of isolation and abandonment as a child can link to depression later in life. The sufferer may also feel anxious about social situations, or feel anxious when they are left alone.
Forming a loving attachment to our parents is one of the key ways in which we learn as a child. If a child does not form a bond during childhood, they may experience learning difficulties as they grow older.
Being left alone as a child can result in feelings of worthlessness. As the child grows older this can lead to a low sense of self-esteem and low self-confidence. Such feelings can greatly affect the child's social life and mental well-being in the future.
The relationships we form with our parents often teach us how to form relationships in the future. If this relationship or attachment isn't formed as a child, this can cause confusion in later life. Those with attachment disorder may find it difficult to trust other people, making it hard to maintain relationships - both romantic ones and platonic friendships.
If a child has had to self-comfort as an infant, this pattern may continue in more unhealthy ways in adulthood. They may turn to alcohol and/or drugs to 'soothe' themselves. Alternatively, the child may learn such habits from parents with substance abuse problems.
Social difficulties
Failure to form attachments in childhood can cause social difficulties in the future. The child may find it hard to understand others, or they may be wary of other people's attempts to socialise. Some children may experience social anxiety and find it difficult to speak to others.
Have you ever experienced a 4yr old with severe depression? I have. It's heartbreaking. We fought and fought for help and he's finally seeing an art therapist, but that will come to an end soon and then it will be looking for what else will help him.
He's not a bad kid, and his background has been beyond his control. He's one of the most wonderful people I've ever have the pleasure to meet and to be his Mum is an honour I'm still not convinced I deserve. So please, it's nice that you consider him normal - but accept when I tell you that he's struggling, that he is. Please be patient, not just with him, but with us too. We are doing what we can for our boy, like you would do for your child, and some patience and understanding and less eye-rolling and sighing, would really go a long way for us all.
Thank you xx
No comments:
Post a Comment