Still thinking

Part of me wants to run around telling everyone and getting very excited. The other part of me doesn't want to tell anyone at all. Ever. To be fair, at the moment, there isn't anything to tell anyone. We've expressed an interest, but that's it. We'll find out more on Tuesday and our decision will go from there. There are so very very many unknowns that will come with the file, it's hard to know exactly what we will find.

I can't even begin to think what this means for us, and it might not amount to anything, but it's that sliver of hope, working its way into my heart and I'm trying to be very distant from the possibility at the moment.

Every now and then I catch myself smiling at the possibility.

I keep being told how hard it will be, how exhausting, how depressing, how isolating it will be. That I won't know how terrible it is until I'm in it.

I have hit rock bottom - quite a few times on this journey. I know it will be fraught with sleepless nights and bouts of possible depression and frustration. Sometimes you wonder whether people think you're stupid - after all, this is something we've thought about over and over again.

We know there will be more issues, than with that of a child I was able to give birth to, and that any child will be desperately unhappy with being removed from foster care. We're not stupid. I'm not stupid. Hopefully our child will love us as much as we will love him.

If I don't have a post saying how hard it is, and exhausting and 'nothing prepares you for it', I will be utterly amazed. However, it's a post I have a right to write, as well as happy ones that will no doubt follow.

No-one said being a parent was a piece of cake. No-one's said it would be easy, yet in the same vein, no-one wants it as much as we do. Rough with the smooth, like anyone else.

News

Oh god, what an evening.

Tonight our S.Worker came round and told us our details have been requested for a little boy, 5 months old, in foster care since he was 3days old. We have expressed an interest and more details.

Our hopes are raised. I'm trying to hard to wait until the paperwork is round on Tuesday, to see whether we progress another stage. Apparently the history is grim. Really really grim. I am incredibly apprehensive, and trying not to put all our hopes and dreams on an unknown little boy that needs a forever family. Who knows. Let's hope we're what he needs..

If he is, I am already feeling guilty about taking him away from him foster family, who is really all he's ever known.

I hope this is right for all of us :/

time

Just when you think you've got your head around the fact that there's no news, no movement and no kids, 4th day of training course turns up. DH seemed to get something out of it, whereas everything I'd come to terms with before, has resurfaced and left me tense and agitated.

Now I can't stop thinking about it.

We've been told not to get our hopes up about the next matching meeting. Instilling confidence, isn't it..

Panel

We had panel today.

We passed. It still hasn't sunk in I don't think. I cried, I giggled and we talked about the fact we will definitely be able to complete our family. I wonder where our kids are. I hope they're OK.

These feelings are indescribable :)

First adoption dream

Woke up searching..

Dream:
Looking after a little boy, about 3yrs old. He didn't speak not at all. I never had a sense that he couldn't, just that he didn't. We'd had a brilliant day together, played and I'd read to him, looked at picture books. He was quite and content and just adorable, and I knew I was giving him back that evening.

As I was getting him ready to go, he started trying to write on a large easel we had up (and had been drawing on earlier). I think he was trying to tell me that he was alone and something bad had happened and he didn't want to go back to where he was.

Next thing I know time has passed and we're at an adoption event and I'm desperately looking for his picture, wanting to tell our SW about him. Something makes me feel he's waiting to be placed, and I really really want to find him. I think his name began with J. It might have been James, but I don't know if that's a loigcal fill-in my brain has made on the point of waking up.

I still want to find him, I don't even know if he exists, but it seems he should. I can't explain it, I just knew he's meant to be with us. Waking up to find he wasn't in the kids room*, just feels wrong, and I won't feel settled til I talk to R.

* The room was have set aside for kids

3rd Session

I found this OK. I told our worker almost immediatey how I'd felt after our last ession. That I'd felt judged, and that her opinion of my childhood ahd been written all over her face. I was quite defensive of my parents. Whatever she thinks of them, and whatever I went through as a kid, I know they only did what they thought was right. I know she has more issues with my Mum not leaving my Dad, with it being unsafe for us, and whereas I don't agree with my Mum's decision I totally understand why she did it.

I am where I am today, for a number of reasons. Regardless of what they are, I am where I am today; in a position of strength, having experienced an awful lot of stuff, which I feel has left me better equipped to deal with any situation.

I was asked whether when kids confide in me, whether I ever get upset. I get upset like anyone would do, of course, because I can empathise - does it tear me to pieces and remind me of what I went through? Not really - I remember bits, I remember how I felt and what I needed most at that time, and I respond accordingly. I don't think that's a bad thing. The workers seem entirely unsure.

Sometimes I wonder whether she has any faith in me at all as a prospective mum. I wonder if that will chainge, or whether she has labelled me already..

2nd session

That was a lot harder than I thought it would be, and we've only got to 'Uni'. Talking about my Grandad reduced me to tears several times, and you realise you never really get over losing some people from your life. I miss him every day, yet he's been gone longer than I had him.

Ended up quite a mess after our worker left, and I was given a glass of wine to relax with, which I think merely opened up the raw wounds even more.

She seems of the opinion that my past could hinder our chances of adopting, but I can't change what happened to me, and I think I'm doing really well with everything I've been through. I am 'resilient' apparently - surely that's a good thing, and puts me in a better position to help our kids?


She also said I will need a 3rd session because there was an awful lot she didn't realise and she thinks we'll need even more time. I'm not sure whether I feel relieved or insulted.