This year

This year has been scary as all hell. A corrupt institution, false allegations, delaying DS2, missing info from medical reports, FAS, cancer scare for both of us (he's now cleared, as is one of mine, still awaiting the rest), as well as having to deal with hissy fits and people bitching.

I am exhausted. We are exhausted. Need to see the back of 2013 badly!

First week of school

Wow. You've just completed your first week in school. Reception class. I am so so proud of you! The difference in you has been marked. You're still incredibly patient and happy, but you've some of your carefreeness back, which has been missing of late.

Tonight, to celebrate a full week, I took you to get a milkshake after school. I had banana and you had strawberry. DS2 didn't have anything, due to his really bad cold.

So many changes

I watch your confusion and your struggle, to not only to understand the sharing of Daddy & I, but of why your little brother is hurting you. He hits, and bites. Not small bites, but hard welting bites. You never shout, you never hit back. You look upset and sometimes, when they're really painful, you cry.

You don't understand why he does it - why would you. He does it because he's jealous of you. When you first met, he couldn't take his eyes off you - he was so excited, and clearly in awe. The feeling was mutual. You're now both settled. You're happy being a big brother but want your own special time, and when you have to share, you shy away from him. He's clearly jealous at times and hurts you. I hate seeing it. You've just turned 4. He's 13mnths. You're completely different personalities

I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you with so many questions that you can't verbalise, and answers you don't fully understand. I hate not being able to ease your frustrations fully. I hate, no matter how many times I tell you how much I love you, that it doesn't feel you believe me 100%.

You're starting school this week, and I can't begin to verbalise how much I am going to miss you.

I ironed name labels into your clothes, wrote your name in your shoes and 'daps', and wrote your name on your TMNT water bottle. Hopefully your TNMT backpack will arrive tomorrow so you can put your school stuff in it.

I love you. I love you so very very much. Please. Please don't ever forget that...

Songs I sing to my boy

For a long time now, DS has had 'Oh my baby', and 'You are my Sunshine', sung to him. These are 2 staples in our house, and they're 'mummy songs'. Something I have been singing for a few years now is 'the Crocodile. This is a song I learnt whilst I was in my local high school choir, and we sung it in St David's Hall. I had mistakenly thought our conductor had written words and tune, but have recently found I was wrong (and also 2 verses I had forgotten).

So, here, for my DS (and my memory), are the words and author:


The Crocodile

If you were to stand on the banks of the Nile
In the sweltering sun and with sand in the air
You'd have to beware of the bold crocodile
For he and his friends would surely be there.
With a lashing and thrashing of terrible tail
And a snapping and clapping of horrible jaws
He searches for food and should he find your trail
He wouldn't say no to a body like yours.
They say he can live for a great many years
With his crocodile skin like an armoured car
Because of his teeth there is nothing he fears
When he's seen in a zoo, you are safer by far.
And now that my story is nearly complete
Of the crocodile's habits I'm sure you might dream
But remember, the only one you'll chance to meet
Is the lizard who lives on the banks of a stream.

Peter Jenkyns (1921-96)

Explaining goodbye..

Josh is coming around tonight.

You're really excited to see him, and you talk about him a lot. Tonight, Josh has to tell you he's going away to sea. I am nervous about how this will go, and how much you will understand. I think you will take it all in, as normal, and take it away to think about. Only later will the questions come.

Josh is such an integral part of our family that I'm not sure how I'm going to cope without him, let alone how you will. I had so hoped he would be around for introductions of your little brother, and to see you take on the big brother role you are so desperate to fill.

Hopefully Skype, pictures and emails will help fill the gap, and give you some understanding. Hopefully Josh will be back for your & your little brother's birthday. I have got so used to having Josh around that I had forgotten he was ever going to go away. Again, situations make you realise how much you love some people and how important they are to you.

I hope you take this OK, little one..

Updates

And yet somehow the times slips away from you. What's happened since my very sparse last entry?

March 8th: Panel
Approved as 2nd time adopters. whilst there we were told of a match they'd made. we left feeling full of hope and just waiting for the ratification from the agency decision maker.

March 22nd: Ratification
2weeks after panel, at 6pm, we received a phone call from our family worker, with confirmation of ratification (talk about leaving it til the 11th hour!).
She also gave us more details on our match. I watched open mouthed as a profile appeared on my screen and looked at the little boy we hope so very much, will be joining our family. He is beautiful!

April 9th: Meeting & reports
Our worker is now on holiday and we're due to meet her to discuss our match on April 9th. It feels like forever away! All the while DS1 is asking where his little brother is, and the excitement builds! He is very excited to become a big brother. I have spoken to S. Services, so they're aware we are keen for the match to progress :)

On Friday (29th), we're going to see DS1's foster mum.