A letter to DS1

It seems strange writing you letters here that you won't read until you're much older or may never read at all.

You're doing well in school - you're still not a huge fan of reading, though it has improved massively - you're fine if it's on a subject you like, and you devour latin names and facts from your Shark Encyclopaedia and book on Egypt. You love your National Geographic Encyclopaedia on animals and you're writing your own book. You attend Story club on a Thursday which you were cross with me for signing you up to. Now you look forward to it every week.

Currently, you're very into Slugterra and Pokemon - everything is scattered over your bedroom and you never know where anything is, but it makes you even happier when you find something! The current craze is Smiggle - colour-changing pencils and smelly pens, along with fluffy books, special pencil cases etc. It's the new craze. You asked for it for Christmas and of course, that's what you got.

Your hair is cut again - long at the front and short at the back. It had been layered and almost down to your shoulders again. You had decided you wanted it different colours in the summer term. We went from streaks of blue, green, white, orange, pink and purple, to having it all blue, to having it all pink. Both of us learnt to ignore the negative comments and stares. Everything was fine until the pink, which wouldn't come out no matter what we tried (bleaching, bleach washes, lemon juice and finally hair stripper), Your school photos shows your long hair as bleached white with a tinge of pink ;)

You're doing well in swimming and are at Stage 3. You don't like the deep end because your feet don't touch the bottom (and no, Daddy's don't either!), but you go and you learn - you're always far more relaxed in the shallow end obviously.

We lost Switch in July, and we both grieved for a very long time. You have been aware of death and lost people you love, but I think when you're young the first pet is always the hardest. You two were inseparable and spent more time together than I can recall. Losing him really hit you. You still can't bring yourself to scatter his ashes, and that's OK, there's plenty of time. you have his picture up next to your bed and sometimes you talk about him, more in questions and thoughts than anything resembling understanding.

You saw Granny and Grandad at Christmas and went to visit Great-Grannie in the hospital after her fall. Daddy and I were so proud of you - you remained composed and always had a smile on your face when she looked over. You were so gentle with her and to watch you with her was beautiful. we have had many talks about death and you know she won't be around for much longer. You were very aware that you might not see her again the last time we visited the hospital. Granny has told me even after you left she still talks about you. She loves you ever so much, and I know seeing you meant a great deal to her. She's now out of Hospital, but I haven't told you because I don't want to get your hopes up. Her prognosis is still the same and she still has heart failure. It would be cruel to raise your hopes when we all know the inevitable isn't so far away.

You have Harper now - you adore her and she adores you. She's a black and tan crossbreed border collie and GSD, and is currently 8months old. You're still not keen to do the looking after but you're 7, so it doesn't surprise me. You are good with training her though, and your face breaks into a smile when she responds to you. You're most happy running up and down Oakwell with her and face-planting mud. You're often muddier than the dog and your laugh when this happens is infectious to all. Maybe we should put you in the boot with her on the way home! ;) We do have problems with your little brother hurting her at times, but you're there in seconds to stop him and always reassure her. She absolutely adores you.

Most evening you stay up with us and you have also started eating with us, depending on what time Dad is home from work. Sometimes you're so overtired that you eat with your brother and go to bed early, sometimes you even accept you're tired. Another milestone gained ;)

You attend Beavers when you can, but this isn't always possible because Dad works in Sheffield and he's not often back in time for me to take you - made harder especially because your brother cannot cope if he's slightly late to bed, and he goes before Beavers starts. I need to find a way to sort this out really.

Your therapy is coming to an end. You love it and it seems to help you. I'm a little nervous as to what will happen when it's finished, because you'll need a break of a few months in between, so I'm told. I don't know how you will react when you lose that bond you've made, but I'm ready to pick up the pieces and hold you tight. You have this, and we have you xxx

Update on Ds2

School are lovely but ultimately can't help. Our GP tells us it's all down to School. Statements have become a nightmare to apply for and we've been told DS2 has to be at least 3yrs behind his peers academically in order to explore a statement, let alone one being granted. He's currently 4 - soon to be 5. It's seems crazy that SEN children have to actually fail first in order to be helped...

I'm frustrated, DH is frustrated, and I imagine the School is too. They admit he's SEN - it's fairly obvious, but they've nowhere to go with it.

Our SW, who has been an absolute rock has finally got a LEA social worker for us - we meet her next week and I'm nervous yet excited, yet also trying not to hope for too much. With the recent shake-up with social care departments, we're about to get a regional office as opposed to a local one, so there's no guarantee the SW we meet next week will actually stay with us. Everything is so up in the air for everyone involved.

DS2 continues on his quest to deny us sleep and is constantly up at night, whether he's caught his finger, says he has a nightmare, is trying to catch the cat or actually does have a nightmare, it's constant. He also wakes DS1 up early but appears to be leaving that for the weekends so far, AFAIK.

It's a long cry from the hope I had last March, but that seems to be the way it goes when you hve a kid with SEN needs.

Attachment Disorder

I've been meaning to write about this for a long time - not just for my benefit but maybe to explain to others what Attachment Disorder is, how it may or may not present, the impact it has and what it means.

DS2: Behaviour, medical notes and searching for truths and support

For the last few years we've been trying to get some sort of needs assessment for DS2. HE came to us with severe health implications, and behavioural issues and the age of 13 months old. I wondered if it was FAS (Foetal Alcohol Syndrome), but no. I couldn't work out what was going on at all, and his head is too small and his consultant says is not growing at the rate is should. He went through 2 terrifying febrile seizures lasting 30 mins and then an hour but always seemed more lucid after he came out of it.

He has development issues, seems to fall over a lot, is highly intelligent, sociable and gives direct eye contact, yet has violent rages, will throw himself to the floor when he doesn't want to talk, bite, kick scream, destroy rooms, throw computers, rip out wiring and bite and attack people and objects like some rabid puppy.

He is also the most loving and gorgeous boy ever, and until just recently I hadn't realised just how very tiny he is compared to the rest of his class. We're talking head and shoulders below..

Recently we've been speaking to people about support for him and a fried of mine has suggested he may have High Functioning Autism, which now we've read it, fits him like a glove, it's insane. I've taught SEN children before but never high functioning autism, so his social skills confused me, even though everything else was screaming autism.

We've told school who are going to look into it and if things don't move along will go private to help him get a diagnoses. It's like a light at the end of a tunnel, and I'm going to hold his hand all the way there :)

Is this normal?

Is this normal to be this terrified, this scared, this anxious and this worried as an adoptive parent?

Not in a day-to-day setting, (though I admit, I have had my moments), but when you see DS1's birth parent at the bus stop of the village in which you live, about 100yds from your house?

Been a while

So, hey, how's it going? How's life?

I'm now a proud mum to a lively nearly 7 and nearly 4 year old now. It's weird looking back on this diary how much has changed and how far we've come.

This year

This year has been scary as all hell. A corrupt institution, false allegations, delaying DS2, missing info from medical reports, FAS, cancer scare for both of us (he's now cleared, as is one of mine, still awaiting the rest), as well as having to deal with hissy fits and people bitching.

I am exhausted. We are exhausted. Need to see the back of 2013 badly!