Days dragging on

Today has been amazing, and also difficult.

We spend time with our son, and it wonderful, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to take him back to his foster carers of any evening.

Today we went shopping for strollers - our buggy is massive - apparently a common mistake made by new parents - though for local wanderings, it's brilliant - just not so great for getting in and out of the boot. Anyway, we webt to Babys R Us and Mamas & Papas, and had a play. Then we brought him home where he got very excited by the cats, and played a lot.

After feeding him his meal and bottle, we had to take him back. I hate it. I hate it so very much. I miss him in the evenings, and the drive there and back is tiring and wearing and we're sick of it.

Today was the 'phone review' which basically isn't a review at all. It's the S.Workers playing god again and prolonging the whole thing.

Basically it always used to be 1week for a baby under 1year old. Now, because our SServices got voted as one of the worst providers in the UK, they've extended everything. Whereas I think every situation should be judged on a case by case basis. Even the F.Carer feels we should be having our son sooner rather than later, as it's more confusing for him.

Tomorrow it's 10.45 - 5ish. It somehow doesn't seem long enough. It never does. DH is right though - it's just waiting, it's just days, and soon, it'll be the rest of our lives.

The most beautiful phonecall

Due to adverse weather conditions, our SWorkers put their heads together, spoke to the foster carer and agreed a phone interview/ convo. I rung her tonight. I love her.

Within less than a minute, I felt completely at ease and had a really good sense of her. What was better was the convo we had and the fact that during it, she kept referring to the gurgles and noises in the background as my son. Which had me grinning like a fool! I also heard him giggle and practically melted into a puddle on the floor as I heard her say 'It's your mummy on the phone!'.

Lovely husband has been the 'negative' one about the whole thing, and I know it's because he's scared of it all going wrong, but we've been told panel is a formality and everyone has been referring to him as our 'son' anyway, which is just amazing.

It's just nice to get everything written down :D

a picture paints a thousand words

I am currently looking at pictures of my son-to-be. He is absolutely gorgeous! I am so excited. Time is just dragging!

The woman from S.Services..

..she said yes!

I was in work at the time, and I cried on an ex-student and my boss. I can't believe it, I am so so shocked! I'm also incredibly happy!!

Now have to go home, get changed, and drive to DH's Christmas party. I wonder when it'll sink in! ;)

His worker

So we met his S.Worker tonight, and ours was there too. We've said yes immediately. He seems so perfect! I really really liked his social too. She's irish, with a great sense of humour and made me laugh a lot. DH asked his questions of her much like Mastermind, which made us all laugh ;)

She seemed to really like us too, and kept telling me I had a wicked sense of humour. If she'd have given us an answer straight away, I'd have said she'll say yes, but that's the thing, you just don't know. She might really like us, but not think we're the right match. Who knows. She said she'll let us know within a week. I am terrified and cried as she left. Again, nerves got the better of me.

Still thinking

Part of me wants to run around telling everyone and getting very excited. The other part of me doesn't want to tell anyone at all. Ever. To be fair, at the moment, there isn't anything to tell anyone. We've expressed an interest, but that's it. We'll find out more on Tuesday and our decision will go from there. There are so very very many unknowns that will come with the file, it's hard to know exactly what we will find.

I can't even begin to think what this means for us, and it might not amount to anything, but it's that sliver of hope, working its way into my heart and I'm trying to be very distant from the possibility at the moment.

Every now and then I catch myself smiling at the possibility.

I keep being told how hard it will be, how exhausting, how depressing, how isolating it will be. That I won't know how terrible it is until I'm in it.

I have hit rock bottom - quite a few times on this journey. I know it will be fraught with sleepless nights and bouts of possible depression and frustration. Sometimes you wonder whether people think you're stupid - after all, this is something we've thought about over and over again.

We know there will be more issues, than with that of a child I was able to give birth to, and that any child will be desperately unhappy with being removed from foster care. We're not stupid. I'm not stupid. Hopefully our child will love us as much as we will love him.

If I don't have a post saying how hard it is, and exhausting and 'nothing prepares you for it', I will be utterly amazed. However, it's a post I have a right to write, as well as happy ones that will no doubt follow.

No-one said being a parent was a piece of cake. No-one's said it would be easy, yet in the same vein, no-one wants it as much as we do. Rough with the smooth, like anyone else.

News

Oh god, what an evening.

Tonight our S.Worker came round and told us our details have been requested for a little boy, 5 months old, in foster care since he was 3days old. We have expressed an interest and more details.

Our hopes are raised. I'm trying to hard to wait until the paperwork is round on Tuesday, to see whether we progress another stage. Apparently the history is grim. Really really grim. I am incredibly apprehensive, and trying not to put all our hopes and dreams on an unknown little boy that needs a forever family. Who knows. Let's hope we're what he needs..

If he is, I am already feeling guilty about taking him away from him foster family, who is really all he's ever known.

I hope this is right for all of us :/