Meeting the BM

*One thing to make abundantly clear is, no matter what SS tell you, you do not have to meet a birth parent. It's a voluntary thing, should you want to do it*

Never delude yourself into the reason why you meet a birth parent. I met DS1's BM for him, so that when he's older I can tell him what it was like and give him answers to questions he might have. She apparently did the same. Also,

I was prepared. I had my questions, I had a hold on the info I could and couldn't share. I was steeled for anger and resentment, I was steeled for tears.

Let's get one thing clear right now. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever prepare you for meeting a birth parent.

Be realistic when you consider this. No child who's in the adoption system has had a good experience or come from a good place. That's something you have to hold on to, and is so easy to lose sight of, when you have someone crying about their baby, how much they love them, and how they had a place in their family.

They pull on your heart strings, they really do, and you get caught up in the whole emotion of it, because as they talk about their baby A, you lose sight of the fact that baby A is no longer baby A, and hasn't been baby A for a very long time. They are in fact child B. Your child.

Credit is taken where ever possible. A likes music? That's because BM likes music. A likes dancing, that's because BM likes dancing. A sings? Oh that's because BM always sings. This is backed of by SW's constantly. Oh yes, of course it's because BM gave birth to him that he is who he is. I absolutely understand why they do it, I really really do. I know it's the last chance for them to make their mark, until such a time DS1 might go looking. However, you feel like you're being punished in detention with no end in sight.

DS1 loves books. Adores books. There was no answer to that one. I sing to DS1 constantly, but that was overlooked. DS1 loves dinosaur games. I almost willed her to take credit for that one.

The longer the meeting goes on, the further and further pushed out you are from your own child's life. The less of an influence you feel. The guilt you feel for having her baby, is overwhelming.

It's only now, much later, that my head is started to glue itself together. I have answers for DS1, if he asks who he was named after, but I don't want to have to give him the answer. He was named after a singer, only BM didn't even get the name right.. Even DH & I gave way more thought to his name than that.

I am to constantly point out how much she loved him and how much she wanted him. SW's will make that point over and over and over again. The one thing they say that you're not allowed to tell a child, is that BM had her chance to keep him, and in the end didn't make enough effort. You can't say that to a child, instead it feels I have to put her on a pedestal, and glorify her. On the other hand, you never want to upset your child with the reality.

It makes me nervous for the future.

I was told what she wanted for him, what we were and weren't allowed to do, etc. With regards to contact & writing letters, she has said she will write to him as AB, not B (which is now his name). I'm not sure why I'm having to bend over backwards, and the longer I've had time to think about it, the angrier I feel. We have to discuss providing photos (we thought we had to, but if it's something to discuss there's a possibility we don't). It would certainly make us feel a lot safer if we didn't, but I've no doubt we'd have SS jumping down our necks for that one. We get told that letters are painful and reminds her she doesn't have him - what would a photo do then? In this day and age of posting pictures on the internet, I no longer feel he's safe. It makes us want to move to another country to be honest..

The point was made that she gave him life - that's something that hurts. It's something I could never have done, and I'm sure it's something every birth parent will throw at an adoptive parent.

I couldn't give DS1 life, she's right, she gave him the biggest gift of all. However, I am giving him his life, where he can do whatever he wants and be whoever he wants to be. I can at least say that - and that's something she could never have done.

Nothing, in that hour, will ever make you feel more like a glorified babysitter, than meeting a birth parent.

The feeling obviously passes once you're home, and your DS1 is running round playing the dinosaur game you both made up together, reading books with you, and you're singing songs you taught him. Together.

I am glad I only ever had to do it once.