"How could you love them when they're not yours?

You can't know until you've had your own..."

Luckily this wasn't said anywhere near me, else I'd have ripped them to pieces, but it's this kind of attitude that worries me. Not for my sake - I have no problem taking people apart when they're talking about a subject they know nothing about. But for DS1.

I'm hoping he will pick up determination and fight from us. That he will be able to stand his ground and throw off the sticks and stones that may be thrown at him. DH and I both got bullied as kids, but we fought back, as opposed to not having the strength to, and being a silent target.

I'm not sure I can coherently organise my thoughts on this one well, because so many sentences and feelings come rushing to the forefront that I'm unable to put them in order.

In a way they're right - I have no idea what it's like to have birth children. I didn't get to bond with DS1 in that way. I didn't get to feel him kick, hear his first scream, carry the weight with him around with me as he grew. In that respect I can't talk from a birth parents point of view. Which is what bothers me. That anybody thinks that just because I didn't give birth to my son, that I have any less right in being a parent, or that my bond with him is weaker for it, infuriates me.

I always knew DS1 was out there. I dreamt him before I knew about him, and I knew it was a matter of timing. Part of me wishes that timing hadn't taken so damn long, but you know - your experiences are what shape you as a person, and I know I'm a hell of a lot stronger for it. I also appear to have become a battle-axe* with regards to DS1.

I'm still trying to get information for SS for him, and I'm not about to bloody stop just because I'm getting fobbed off. As many people know, this only makes me more resolute to be that person hammering on your door at 3am because you have royally annoyed me.

None of our family need pity because we're made out of adoption.

The one thing DS1 can say, is that he is loved. He can say he is special because we chose him. Which is true. We chose him, we wanted him more than anything, and he is loved so fiercely..


* Pitbull/ Rottweiler, any other imagery you can come up with probably fits.

2 out of 3 ain't good (but makes life interesting)!

DS1 is having problems. Well, it's been going on for a week or so atm. It's a combinations of teething/ gastric flu/ possible chickenpox.

Let me explain.

Nearly 3weeks ago one of his friends had chickenpox. As you do, I took him round straight away for a 'let's infect you' play date. A great time was had by all. They played, they kissed, he drunk out of her water bottle etc. Yet here we are, still waiting for the spots to show. No sign of spots but all other symptoms are present. Apparently some children don't get the spots but can catch and fight the virus. I'm wondering if that's currently what DS1 is doing.

As well as that we went to a 1st birthday party on Saturday. On the Sunday we were all ill and seemed to have caught gastric flu. DH was 24hrs, DS1 has been on and off, and I'm just starting to feel normal again after 4 days of being really ill.

DS1 also has his last teeth coming through and is chewing anything he can get his hands on. The creates bad nappies anyway, but damn it's not been a pleasant house the last few days! He's also been up stupid early, when he's always slept 7-7.

He's currently eating like a horse at every opportunity. Yesterday (because he won't drink the rehydration sachets), I bought a load of ravioli in tins and jelly pre-made. It seems to be a more preferable way to him, to replace sugars and salts. I know they're not great and not what I'd normally feed him, but right now I just want to keep him with energy and bouncy, and that seems to be helping.

His tantrums are becoming legendary, and it's interesting finding ways to deal with them.

Meeting the BM

*One thing to make abundantly clear is, no matter what SS tell you, you do not have to meet a birth parent. It's a voluntary thing, should you want to do it*

Never delude yourself into the reason why you meet a birth parent. I met DS1's BM for him, so that when he's older I can tell him what it was like and give him answers to questions he might have. She apparently did the same. Also,

I was prepared. I had my questions, I had a hold on the info I could and couldn't share. I was steeled for anger and resentment, I was steeled for tears.

Let's get one thing clear right now. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever prepare you for meeting a birth parent.

Be realistic when you consider this. No child who's in the adoption system has had a good experience or come from a good place. That's something you have to hold on to, and is so easy to lose sight of, when you have someone crying about their baby, how much they love them, and how they had a place in their family.

They pull on your heart strings, they really do, and you get caught up in the whole emotion of it, because as they talk about their baby A, you lose sight of the fact that baby A is no longer baby A, and hasn't been baby A for a very long time. They are in fact child B. Your child.

Credit is taken where ever possible. A likes music? That's because BM likes music. A likes dancing, that's because BM likes dancing. A sings? Oh that's because BM always sings. This is backed of by SW's constantly. Oh yes, of course it's because BM gave birth to him that he is who he is. I absolutely understand why they do it, I really really do. I know it's the last chance for them to make their mark, until such a time DS1 might go looking. However, you feel like you're being punished in detention with no end in sight.

DS1 loves books. Adores books. There was no answer to that one. I sing to DS1 constantly, but that was overlooked. DS1 loves dinosaur games. I almost willed her to take credit for that one.

The longer the meeting goes on, the further and further pushed out you are from your own child's life. The less of an influence you feel. The guilt you feel for having her baby, is overwhelming.

It's only now, much later, that my head is started to glue itself together. I have answers for DS1, if he asks who he was named after, but I don't want to have to give him the answer. He was named after a singer, only BM didn't even get the name right.. Even DH & I gave way more thought to his name than that.

I am to constantly point out how much she loved him and how much she wanted him. SW's will make that point over and over and over again. The one thing they say that you're not allowed to tell a child, is that BM had her chance to keep him, and in the end didn't make enough effort. You can't say that to a child, instead it feels I have to put her on a pedestal, and glorify her. On the other hand, you never want to upset your child with the reality.

It makes me nervous for the future.

I was told what she wanted for him, what we were and weren't allowed to do, etc. With regards to contact & writing letters, she has said she will write to him as AB, not B (which is now his name). I'm not sure why I'm having to bend over backwards, and the longer I've had time to think about it, the angrier I feel. We have to discuss providing photos (we thought we had to, but if it's something to discuss there's a possibility we don't). It would certainly make us feel a lot safer if we didn't, but I've no doubt we'd have SS jumping down our necks for that one. We get told that letters are painful and reminds her she doesn't have him - what would a photo do then? In this day and age of posting pictures on the internet, I no longer feel he's safe. It makes us want to move to another country to be honest..

The point was made that she gave him life - that's something that hurts. It's something I could never have done, and I'm sure it's something every birth parent will throw at an adoptive parent.

I couldn't give DS1 life, she's right, she gave him the biggest gift of all. However, I am giving him his life, where he can do whatever he wants and be whoever he wants to be. I can at least say that - and that's something she could never have done.

Nothing, in that hour, will ever make you feel more like a glorified babysitter, than meeting a birth parent.

The feeling obviously passes once you're home, and your DS1 is running round playing the dinosaur game you both made up together, reading books with you, and you're singing songs you taught him. Together.

I am glad I only ever had to do it once.

Updates

It's been a while. Maybe one day I will slot on the trauma SServices put us through before we got here, but for now, I'll stick with the present.

Next week I am due to meet BM. I'm nervous, but I'm also looking forward to it. I have a lot of questions and I want to be the one that tells her what DS's name is. SS have once again been banging on about it, and whereas I know she has no legal rights now the A.Order is through, I want to be the one to tell her what it is (she knows it has been changed, and has no problem with it).

I know we won't be the best of friends, or even friends, but for some reason I want her to be happy that her baby is with us, and for her to feel he will have the best life ever. I want her to feel confident in us, even though it makes no difference whether she likes us or not. It matters to me. I want to be able to tell DS when he's older that his BM was happy he was with us, and that when I met her we got on well.

I hope he never feels the need to ask, but if he does, I know I will have done right by him.

I'm confident. I'm nervous.

It may be a very long week..

Letter to my son

Tonight, our gorgeous boy, was the last time we ever had to take you back to your foster Mum's.

You're teething at the moment and it's painful to watch. I know you're in pain, and all I can do is supply you with cold teethers and teething gel. Your face gets so red and confused, because you can't understand why everything hurts so much. Sometimes you find it easier biting on my fingers, and even though it hurts, I let you, because it gives you relief, which in turn, works for me. Calgel also seems to help.

We bathed you as normal tonight and I rubbed some cream into you, to help you sleep (Johnson's Dream Cream, with Lavender, to relax you). You smiled happily at me and we shared many kisses and smiles. You had your bottle, and you fell asleep, with Daddy almost sleeping to the sound of your breathing.

I hated having to put you into your car seat - you've hated it the last few nights, and have cried. Taking you out the other end feels wrong, as you're sound asleep again at that point. As normal, you awoke with a start to the street lights, and I held you close, inside my coat, to shield you from the cold, rain and light. When we got in, we put you straight to bed and left you.

The drive home was strange. We hated leaving you, as normal, but we smiled as we realised we'll never have to do it again.

Tomorrow, on St David's Day, your Foster Mum brings you round to live with us forever. She said you've been different with her for over a week, and no longer cling to her like you used to - that the Mummy slot has been firmly filled by me, and whereas she likes it, it must be strange for her to experience. She's been doing this for 18yrs+ now, and she's done so very well by you.

You are an absolute joy to behold. You make me smile more than anything or anyone in the world. I worried that because I hadn't given birth to you, I'd not be able to cope with your crying. You find that other people's children annoy you. However, you're not other people's children, you're my son, and your crying just makes me want to wrap you up in rainbows and make everything better for you.

So - for all of us, it's the start of something amazing. We've waited so long for you, we've been through so much to get here, and we were prepared to fight the world for you. We still are. Your Daddy and I love you very much.

You're also eligible to play rugby for Wales! ;)

Days dragging on

Today has been amazing, and also difficult.

We spend time with our son, and it wonderful, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to take him back to his foster carers of any evening.

Today we went shopping for strollers - our buggy is massive - apparently a common mistake made by new parents - though for local wanderings, it's brilliant - just not so great for getting in and out of the boot. Anyway, we webt to Babys R Us and Mamas & Papas, and had a play. Then we brought him home where he got very excited by the cats, and played a lot.

After feeding him his meal and bottle, we had to take him back. I hate it. I hate it so very much. I miss him in the evenings, and the drive there and back is tiring and wearing and we're sick of it.

Today was the 'phone review' which basically isn't a review at all. It's the S.Workers playing god again and prolonging the whole thing.

Basically it always used to be 1week for a baby under 1year old. Now, because our SServices got voted as one of the worst providers in the UK, they've extended everything. Whereas I think every situation should be judged on a case by case basis. Even the F.Carer feels we should be having our son sooner rather than later, as it's more confusing for him.

Tomorrow it's 10.45 - 5ish. It somehow doesn't seem long enough. It never does. DH is right though - it's just waiting, it's just days, and soon, it'll be the rest of our lives.

The most beautiful phonecall

Due to adverse weather conditions, our SWorkers put their heads together, spoke to the foster carer and agreed a phone interview/ convo. I rung her tonight. I love her.

Within less than a minute, I felt completely at ease and had a really good sense of her. What was better was the convo we had and the fact that during it, she kept referring to the gurgles and noises in the background as my son. Which had me grinning like a fool! I also heard him giggle and practically melted into a puddle on the floor as I heard her say 'It's your mummy on the phone!'.

Lovely husband has been the 'negative' one about the whole thing, and I know it's because he's scared of it all going wrong, but we've been told panel is a formality and everyone has been referring to him as our 'son' anyway, which is just amazing.

It's just nice to get everything written down :D

a picture paints a thousand words

I am currently looking at pictures of my son-to-be. He is absolutely gorgeous! I am so excited. Time is just dragging!