Updates

It's been a while. Maybe one day I will slot on the trauma SServices put us through before we got here, but for now, I'll stick with the present.

Next week I am due to meet BM. I'm nervous, but I'm also looking forward to it. I have a lot of questions and I want to be the one that tells her what DS's name is. SS have once again been banging on about it, and whereas I know she has no legal rights now the A.Order is through, I want to be the one to tell her what it is (she knows it has been changed, and has no problem with it).

I know we won't be the best of friends, or even friends, but for some reason I want her to be happy that her baby is with us, and for her to feel he will have the best life ever. I want her to feel confident in us, even though it makes no difference whether she likes us or not. It matters to me. I want to be able to tell DS when he's older that his BM was happy he was with us, and that when I met her we got on well.

I hope he never feels the need to ask, but if he does, I know I will have done right by him.

I'm confident. I'm nervous.

It may be a very long week..

Letter to my son

Tonight, our gorgeous boy, was the last time we ever had to take you back to your foster Mum's.

You're teething at the moment and it's painful to watch. I know you're in pain, and all I can do is supply you with cold teethers and teething gel. Your face gets so red and confused, because you can't understand why everything hurts so much. Sometimes you find it easier biting on my fingers, and even though it hurts, I let you, because it gives you relief, which in turn, works for me. Calgel also seems to help.

We bathed you as normal tonight and I rubbed some cream into you, to help you sleep (Johnson's Dream Cream, with Lavender, to relax you). You smiled happily at me and we shared many kisses and smiles. You had your bottle, and you fell asleep, with Daddy almost sleeping to the sound of your breathing.

I hated having to put you into your car seat - you've hated it the last few nights, and have cried. Taking you out the other end feels wrong, as you're sound asleep again at that point. As normal, you awoke with a start to the street lights, and I held you close, inside my coat, to shield you from the cold, rain and light. When we got in, we put you straight to bed and left you.

The drive home was strange. We hated leaving you, as normal, but we smiled as we realised we'll never have to do it again.

Tomorrow, on St David's Day, your Foster Mum brings you round to live with us forever. She said you've been different with her for over a week, and no longer cling to her like you used to - that the Mummy slot has been firmly filled by me, and whereas she likes it, it must be strange for her to experience. She's been doing this for 18yrs+ now, and she's done so very well by you.

You are an absolute joy to behold. You make me smile more than anything or anyone in the world. I worried that because I hadn't given birth to you, I'd not be able to cope with your crying. You find that other people's children annoy you. However, you're not other people's children, you're my son, and your crying just makes me want to wrap you up in rainbows and make everything better for you.

So - for all of us, it's the start of something amazing. We've waited so long for you, we've been through so much to get here, and we were prepared to fight the world for you. We still are. Your Daddy and I love you very much.

You're also eligible to play rugby for Wales! ;)

Days dragging on

Today has been amazing, and also difficult.

We spend time with our son, and it wonderful, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to take him back to his foster carers of any evening.

Today we went shopping for strollers - our buggy is massive - apparently a common mistake made by new parents - though for local wanderings, it's brilliant - just not so great for getting in and out of the boot. Anyway, we webt to Babys R Us and Mamas & Papas, and had a play. Then we brought him home where he got very excited by the cats, and played a lot.

After feeding him his meal and bottle, we had to take him back. I hate it. I hate it so very much. I miss him in the evenings, and the drive there and back is tiring and wearing and we're sick of it.

Today was the 'phone review' which basically isn't a review at all. It's the S.Workers playing god again and prolonging the whole thing.

Basically it always used to be 1week for a baby under 1year old. Now, because our SServices got voted as one of the worst providers in the UK, they've extended everything. Whereas I think every situation should be judged on a case by case basis. Even the F.Carer feels we should be having our son sooner rather than later, as it's more confusing for him.

Tomorrow it's 10.45 - 5ish. It somehow doesn't seem long enough. It never does. DH is right though - it's just waiting, it's just days, and soon, it'll be the rest of our lives.

The most beautiful phonecall

Due to adverse weather conditions, our SWorkers put their heads together, spoke to the foster carer and agreed a phone interview/ convo. I rung her tonight. I love her.

Within less than a minute, I felt completely at ease and had a really good sense of her. What was better was the convo we had and the fact that during it, she kept referring to the gurgles and noises in the background as my son. Which had me grinning like a fool! I also heard him giggle and practically melted into a puddle on the floor as I heard her say 'It's your mummy on the phone!'.

Lovely husband has been the 'negative' one about the whole thing, and I know it's because he's scared of it all going wrong, but we've been told panel is a formality and everyone has been referring to him as our 'son' anyway, which is just amazing.

It's just nice to get everything written down :D

a picture paints a thousand words

I am currently looking at pictures of my son-to-be. He is absolutely gorgeous! I am so excited. Time is just dragging!

The woman from S.Services..

..she said yes!

I was in work at the time, and I cried on an ex-student and my boss. I can't believe it, I am so so shocked! I'm also incredibly happy!!

Now have to go home, get changed, and drive to DH's Christmas party. I wonder when it'll sink in! ;)

His worker

So we met his S.Worker tonight, and ours was there too. We've said yes immediately. He seems so perfect! I really really liked his social too. She's irish, with a great sense of humour and made me laugh a lot. DH asked his questions of her much like Mastermind, which made us all laugh ;)

She seemed to really like us too, and kept telling me I had a wicked sense of humour. If she'd have given us an answer straight away, I'd have said she'll say yes, but that's the thing, you just don't know. She might really like us, but not think we're the right match. Who knows. She said she'll let us know within a week. I am terrified and cried as she left. Again, nerves got the better of me.