Letter to my son

Tonight, our gorgeous boy, was the last time we ever had to take you back to your foster Mum's.

You're teething at the moment and it's painful to watch. I know you're in pain, and all I can do is supply you with cold teethers and teething gel. Your face gets so red and confused, because you can't understand why everything hurts so much. Sometimes you find it easier biting on my fingers, and even though it hurts, I let you, because it gives you relief, which in turn, works for me. Calgel also seems to help.

We bathed you as normal tonight and I rubbed some cream into you, to help you sleep (Johnson's Dream Cream, with Lavender, to relax you). You smiled happily at me and we shared many kisses and smiles. You had your bottle, and you fell asleep, with Daddy almost sleeping to the sound of your breathing.

I hated having to put you into your car seat - you've hated it the last few nights, and have cried. Taking you out the other end feels wrong, as you're sound asleep again at that point. As normal, you awoke with a start to the street lights, and I held you close, inside my coat, to shield you from the cold, rain and light. When we got in, we put you straight to bed and left you.

The drive home was strange. We hated leaving you, as normal, but we smiled as we realised we'll never have to do it again.

Tomorrow, on St David's Day, your Foster Mum brings you round to live with us forever. She said you've been different with her for over a week, and no longer cling to her like you used to - that the Mummy slot has been firmly filled by me, and whereas she likes it, it must be strange for her to experience. She's been doing this for 18yrs+ now, and she's done so very well by you.

You are an absolute joy to behold. You make me smile more than anything or anyone in the world. I worried that because I hadn't given birth to you, I'd not be able to cope with your crying. You find that other people's children annoy you. However, you're not other people's children, you're my son, and your crying just makes me want to wrap you up in rainbows and make everything better for you.

So - for all of us, it's the start of something amazing. We've waited so long for you, we've been through so much to get here, and we were prepared to fight the world for you. We still are. Your Daddy and I love you very much.

You're also eligible to play rugby for Wales! ;)

Days dragging on

Today has been amazing, and also difficult.

We spend time with our son, and it wonderful, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to take him back to his foster carers of any evening.

Today we went shopping for strollers - our buggy is massive - apparently a common mistake made by new parents - though for local wanderings, it's brilliant - just not so great for getting in and out of the boot. Anyway, we webt to Babys R Us and Mamas & Papas, and had a play. Then we brought him home where he got very excited by the cats, and played a lot.

After feeding him his meal and bottle, we had to take him back. I hate it. I hate it so very much. I miss him in the evenings, and the drive there and back is tiring and wearing and we're sick of it.

Today was the 'phone review' which basically isn't a review at all. It's the S.Workers playing god again and prolonging the whole thing.

Basically it always used to be 1week for a baby under 1year old. Now, because our SServices got voted as one of the worst providers in the UK, they've extended everything. Whereas I think every situation should be judged on a case by case basis. Even the F.Carer feels we should be having our son sooner rather than later, as it's more confusing for him.

Tomorrow it's 10.45 - 5ish. It somehow doesn't seem long enough. It never does. DH is right though - it's just waiting, it's just days, and soon, it'll be the rest of our lives.